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* Due to the overwhelming amount of questions, clarification is needed on the type of question we focus on here at Cherade. As you should know upon reading this site, it is a men's site. Although, we do welcome questions from women. The questions we focus on here are early dating (1st date to 6 months), pick-up, laws of attraction, the game, rules, and do's and don'ts. Also, please read previous questions. We receive a lot of questions that have already been answered. Thanks, and good luck!

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Mom???? Is that you!	Just wanted to say that if you want to criticise someone's grammar maybe you should check your own first. I just read your reply to a lad in high school who really likes a girl who likes him back but doesn't want to get into a relationship with him in case they fall out and ruin their friendship and you said you almost didn't respond because of his writing. This actually made me quite angry! Why should someone's question nearly not be recognised because of bad grammar? They've come on here for advice, not for a lecture. Admittedly there was very little punctuation and it was all written as one sentence but it was not difficult to understand with a minescule amount of brain power.	First of all Nancy, it's criticize not criticiSe. Second, if you think I make enough money off this site to hire an editor or to take the time and reread my posts you're on crack. Third, I get at least 10 questions a day from people needing advice just as bad as that high school kid. He chose to write his question in some kind of ebonics. He is damn lucky I responded! I put a lot of time in responding to all these questions I expect people to have the common decency to write a legible question. I think your real anger is being caused by what brought you to Cherade in the first place. I think you are angry at things I have said to others. Well the truth hurts sometimes, and my advice isn't always easy but it's right. Next time, if you're going to criticize someone who criticized someone else's grammar, use spell check!
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Taste of the good life - Iraq!?	I'm 25 and she's 24. We've been Married for 3 years, and dated for 6 before marrage. Before we got married I joined the military. At first things were great, we were intimate all the time, some times three times a day. Before I left for Iraq it was every few days and the sex was great. But when I came back from Iraq the first times things were distant between us...but it seemed to work out over time and I dismissed it as post war jitters. It went from intimacy all the time to only when I pleeded for it. After returning from my second tour things were way worse. We weren't even intimate they day I came back. It would only happen when I pleaded or threw a child like fit as far as coping an additude. So I decided I was no longer going to initiate intimacy to see how long it would go before she would. After 45 days I couldn't take it any more and broke down and pleaded for intimacy. When I confronted her about the situation she says she loves me, she just doesn't want to have sex with me. The last time we had an open mouth kiss was when I returned from Iraq that second time last october. I love her and besides the sex our relation ship is great. We don't ever fight about money or anything except sex. I get so frustrated I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce but she refuses to go to counciling and says that I just want sex way too much. I'd just like it more that once every two weeks and without pleading for it. Now instead of spending time with me she just wants to go to the bars with her friends or lie around the beach. I'm starting to feel like a security blanket. I've told her this and she said that there are plenty of wives out there that don't have sex with their husbands more that once every few weeks and it's normal. I feel like I've traded the woman I married for a friend. I've tried everything from being demanding to not asking at all. To being more helpful and refusing to help until she reconizes my needs. I was about to get out of the military after my 4 and She convinced me to stay in. So now I'm getting ready to set out on my 3rd tour and I don't want to come back to my marrige any worse than It already is. I wanted to start a family with her but I don't want kids to lock me into a relationship that can be way worse off in five to ten years. So I leave her while I'm still young. Or try to stick it out? I don't want to live my life with out her, but if that means being intimate once every few months I know eventually I'll end up being unfaithful. What should I do?	Hate to say it, and my girlfriend agrees, but you have become a security blanket. She is young and has got a taste of freedom on your many trips away. I take it you're supporting her too while you're gone? I can't imagine any good wife or girlfriend recommending you re-up in the military and go back to a high casualty war. As a veteran, and having my brother serving a tour in Iraq, I can tell you it's scary as hell having a loved over there. Also, there are many women who just don't like sex. Of course they won't let you know this until you say "I do." If you do re-up leave her, don't support her another tour!
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That first phone call	What to say on that first phone call	Although brief, good question. You should start of by coming up with something funny about the last experience you shared together. For instance, if you guys met at a bar and some looser hit on her, you could say. "Hey this is Chester, I was wearing the red shirt, look I know we didn't get off to a good start but I think we have a future together." The point is to start off with a laugh and loosen her up. That's the main part after this you just go over the good time you had and make plans. Depending on you rapport with her you may want to keep it light. Meaning you might want to say, "look, I was going to go check out suchinsuch tomorrow should be really cool, you want to go?" This way if she shuts you down you don't lose anything, because you were already going there anyway right?
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Which road should I take?	I am 37 and she is 34. Six months ago I met a woman by chance and we talked on the phone for weeks before we decided to go out. She has all the things I look for. We have shared so many things. So what's the problem? After we first went out she informed me she had been dating a guy 5 states away for two years and that things were going nowhere. She questioned his drinking, his religious faith and the fact he didn't want kids and the two had no desire to move. Basically, I had the impression, ok go out, but don't get serious with her. Let her resolve this. She went to see him a few weeks later and she said she was going to tell him what was going on, but she didn't, said the right time never came about. Later he came to see her and she described the weekend as very benign, but again she didn't discuss it with him. 3 months ago was the last time she saw him and she tried to discuss things with him but he gave her no answers, but she never told him she was seeing someone else. I asked her what that meant and she said basically she knew there was no reason to continue seeing him. So, no mention of him until 3 weeks ago and he bought her a plane ticket to come see him for her birthday, but she didn't go. She has lots of money, so the ticket wasn't the big deal. She became more loving from that point on and then did some very special things for my birthday. So, this past Monday she tells me she is going to see him and is flying out on Tuesday. I asked her why and she said he bought me the ticket and he wants to see me and she needs to resolve things. She said she is going for the rest of the week. She said she had know for two weeks she was going but she didn't want to ruin my birthday week. I pitched a fit and took her things back to her and left her a text telling her they were there. She called me later but I wouldn't answer and she texted me that night saying good night. I could tell on her voicemail she had been crying. Yes I do love her and she lost her parents two years ago in a fatal accident. She has somethings to resolve I know, but why do me this way? My best friend is pissed and feels I need to let the other guy know what is going on because he could be in my shoes as well. Another friend says just give her space, you may have scared her by findly taking a stand and see how she responds or if she tries to respond when she gets back. I have thought both ways since talking to them and want others advice??????? Be patient? move on? email him?	First of all good job on putting your foot down. She is totally playing the field. Chances are she really wants things to work out with her distant lover and is trying her best to make that happen. He must have something special or have strong ties due to the traumatic loss of her parents and him being there for her. Traumatic experiences that are shared together create a strong bond between lovers. You should give it some time and see if she makes the right decision. Right meaning letting one of you go. If a month passes with no resolve it's over and IF you have had sex with her I would tell the other guy. But don't think that is going to get her back, she may resent you for telling him. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
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Not a Cherade question	Hello, I am a 45 year old female. My question is this? I have been living with a man for 5 months now. I have a diamond ring and a promise of marriage. When? My question- I found papers where he had added up how much I have cost him since I moved in? I questioned him about it and asked him if he wanted me to leave? He didn't answer me. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him if he was bored with me and he said I don't know? What kind of answer is that? Help what do I do now... I sold my home, I have a 11 year old daughter that lives here too. He has my money in his checking account. Any advise?	We don't answer these types of questions here but I decided to let it slide. Honest advice, tell him you think its best that you leave. If he has ANY desire to save the relationship he will do it at that point. It's a shock therapy that works when people are about to lose something completely. But be warned that if he really doesn't want the relationship he WILL let you leave. But ask yourself, why would you want to stay with someone that doesn't want you.
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Should I make her jealous	is it advisable to make a girl jealous on purpose? for example put display pictures of yourself with other girls on msn and so forth. or tell her about the times that girls have hit on you? or do you think this might backfire in a negative way?	"Jealous" is not really what you're after. You are trying to prove that you are an attractive male. You can do this by showing her that other girls are attracted to you. But you want to do this indirectly. Don't brag or tell her that girls hit on you, thats bad. But yes a picture with you and other women does work. Use some good judgement here, for example pictures with your arm around a girl in a friendly way is good. A picture with any type of "relationship vibe" is bad. You just want to show that women are drawn to you because you are an attractive male. You don't want them to think that you're a player.
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Ok that's a wrap	I met a woman through my co-worker a few weeks ago. She's amazing to me, I would say we're 80% similar in regards to goals, interests, and views. We've been on three great dates. The first of which was a purely platonic meeting, just a short (morning), coffee date. We got so wrapped up in talking that we changed venues three times, and ended up spending the better part of the day together. The second date, I met her after she got off work. She was with my co-worker and a few of their mutual friends. We went to a few bars, and she spent most of the time hanging out with me almost exclusively. By the end of the night, we we holding hands. Date three, we met at a jazz club, rapped for a few hours and then went out to karaoke with some friends. At the end of date three, we kissed. Here's the problem, the next day she called me and said that She wanted to just be friends. I've called her several times since then and she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm puzzled because it seemed like we were on the right track. Possible issues may include: She got out of a year long relationship about two months ago, and according to my co-worker, the ex is some what of a psycho. My questions: What type of bearing does this recent break-up/ex have on my situation? What do you think my next move(s) should be?	First question is rarely, rarely do woman completely pass up a man they really like because of an ex. If that was the case this would have "gone down" differently. Sometimes girls just know when the spark isn't there after a kiss (after you move to a romantic state). It's impossible to know what exactly happened, maybe she is juggling someone else, maybe she doesn't see a future with you, who knows. The point is that she called it off. I just hope you didn't leave her more than one message. If you did you lowered your quality as a male. However it may not matter, since she may never want to speak with you again anyway. If you really want her back, write me back and I will help you. But you will have to tell me more about her and special things you shared together. You have to give me something more to work with. Good luck.
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Don't ruin our friendship	"wants to go out with me but doesant want to ruin our friendship" ok i(18) know what your thinking the whole "she(17) doesant want to ruin our friendship line" but i confronted her about it and she really wants to go out with me but we went out a year or 2 ago and we soon broke it off cause we werent rdy to go out and then we dident talk for a long time but since then we have built our relationship up to a very high level and recently we told eachother we liked eachother and are now talking on a daily basis in school and such so she says she wasnts to be my GF so i ask her out the next day but she says no and i ask why she says she is scared to go out with me cause she doesant want something bad to happen to ruin our friendship because were about to go off to college and i already plan to spend weekends with her at college so thats not a problem but she doesant want sumthin to happen like last time where we dident talk for a while she's scared that we wont ever talk again if that happens so can u give me some advice on what i can do to i really like this girl and she really likes me but we dont want to lose our friendship if sumthin happens	First of all, I almost didn't respond to this because of your writing. Try and clean up your grammar a bit if you're asking someone for help. Anyway, life is about taking risks. If you never take risks you will never get what you truly want. If you want more with this girl go for it, tell her how you feel and how you think it will work. Bare in mind you will have to convince her why it will work this time. Now if you cant come up with something on "why it would work" then forget it, just stay friends. Ok, I'll give you a little more on how to convince her. Cover these topics: Why it it didn't work last time Why things are different now and why that wouldn't happen again Why it's worth taking a chance What you would both gain from a loving relationship Why you owe it to yourselves to try again Note: Don't be deceitful, be honest. Girls can see through you if your being fake. Don't be cheesy be REAL.
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The shys the limit	i ment to out this here first, not the forum, but whatever.------ i REALLY need some help here. i'm 17, and i've NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND! this REALLY sucks. i just get too damn nervous around girls i like, and i'm SICK of it. it takes me a while to relax around new people(especialy girls). but i know i'm not "hidious" or anything, i've gotten "the look" before, like at the beach, the movies, school and places like that, and girls have also said i was cute. its just that whenever i'm in school (a.k.a. prime hunting grounds) girls almost NEVER talk to me, i've had classes where i just stay "the quiet one" all year, and i'm sick of it. i just don't know how to break the ice with girls, anything i say, i'll feel like a COMPLETE dumbass. i don't know if it's anxiety or what. but there are PLENTY of cute girls at my school, i just never get the oppertunity to be in a situation where i can actually meet somebody. and i got this one friend who invites me places and stuff, but he's also the one who gives me the most crap about not having a girlfriend, so when i'm out with him, i feel pressurred to hook up with any girl he introduces me to. because i know that he's just waiting for me to say/do something stupid so he can rip on me later. i just need some good advice on how to relax around girls, how to start up conversations, and how to appear more "approachable". and does it sound like i should go to therapy for this? anyway, thanks for your time, and i know there's plenty more like me.	No you don't need therapy but you do need help. What you're dealing with is not uncommon at all, but you are faced with a decision. Stay the way you are and hope that fate is good to you, or take action and change. Sounds like you want the latter. First of all, your friend that is introducing you to girls, keep him around! Guy's like that are invaluable tools in practicing with women. By the way that is what you need, practice with women. You're so uncomfortable and uptight because you don't get much interaction with them. The few time you do spend time with a girl you feel like its all on the line. So of course you're going to get nervous. There are two words that should be your total focus, one practice, two self-confidence. How are you going to get more self confident? With practice! Now, there are other tools to help you build your self-confidence that will help you immensely. Although we do have a confidence page here, I would suggest a more in-depth learning series such as the one David Deangelo offers at www.doubleyourdating.com. There I go again steering people away from my site. Even though his website is confusing as hell his programs are top notch and come highly recommended. Good luck… screw luck, luck has nothing to do with it!
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"I want me ah married man!"	I dated this woman for about 3 months, about 16 months ago. I stopped seeing her after I had some issues with one of my kids and I felt that I couldn't give her the time she wanted. (she was getting very serious). Two months ago, I got in touch with her again and wanted to let her know that it wasn't her fault and all. We became friends and started to date and things were good until... She told me that se started seeing a married man about a month after I left her (during our first dating). He's been stringing her along for the last few months. She told me that she loved me since I came back but, she has some loyalty to this guy. What it is I don't know. I don't feel I have to compete and I have tried to give her room to think clearly. Recently she abruptly told me that she wants to just date and not have any intimate relations. She said that she just needs to withdraw and think. What does this mean? I think that the ending of intimacy means it is a lost cause?	She may just be a lost cause, messing with a married man seems immoral to me. Additionally, what does that say about her? She must think marital vows are grey lines. However, I understand people make mistakes and become emotionally vulnerable. Anyway, she obviously can't make up her mind about who she wants. She probably likes the other guy more, but is unclear as to whether he is going to leave his wife. She's going to hold her cards (abstinence) and see if he will fold. If he doesn't soon then you may get her, but would you want her? What you need to do is a principle on scarcity. Right now she is waiting the other guy out knowing that she still has you as an option. You're the safe card, and you need to take that away immediately. You need to make yourself the prize not the other guy. You should say something like, "look you seem to be confused right so why don't we take some time apart and see other people." Women are great at interpreting meanings. What this statements means is; you have a problem not me, I'm in demand, and I have other options. This demonstrates high value and is very attractive. This is a win-win situation. If she bites and stops seeing the other guy, you win first place. If she doesn't and keeps waiting for the other guy then you didn't want her anyway. Who wants to be settled for? Good luck and let us know what happens.
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It's push pull, not push push push	Well, my situation is similar to "The College Fallout" which you have answered, but the difference is that the relationship hasn't gone "sour." So I'm in college and I met this girl in my dorm. Over time, we became friends and I started to like her. After getting to know her better I realized that I didn't have a chance. So I tried to let my feelings die off. However, I still remained friends with her and we became closer as friends. During the next quarter, I noticed small things that she started doing, hints if you will, that gave signals that she liked me. At first I shrugged it off thinking that she was just being playful or flirty because we are good friends. But I know that she wouldn't do this to just any other guy or guy friends. Examples would be, she would be sitting on her chair and then move aside to make room for me while she was using her computer (and she does this somewhat frequently). Another example would include her asking if I would like to watch a movie with her and she would offer to share her bed while we watch. Little things like these got my attention, but I didn't think too much of it because I wasn't sure if it meant anything. What really made me take notice that she might like me was when I was sharing a chair with her (using her computer), and an instant message pops up from a high school friend (who I don't know at all) and it mentions my name and how she should get to know me better. I was pretty surprised, but I knew I wasn't supposed to see that so I didn't ask about it. But that got me thinking, why would she talk to her friends about me, especially since I never really gave any clear hints about me liking her? I decided to notice her actions more and analyze them more carefully. She continued doing said examples and started acting more playful (she isn't normally playful, she's usually is serious and realistic) when it is just us two around. This continued for about a month or so and I thought we had something going for us. She would call for hours every weekend since she went home during then. Time wasn't on our side, however, summer was coming and we lived 8 hours away. So I decided to confront her and tell her that I liked her. So I did so with a week left. She told me she was unsure (sometimes she likes me, sometimes she doesn't), that there were many variables, the long distance being the biggest (of course this was only during summer and winter, really). I said that was ok, and if she didn't feel like going into a relationship, that would be fine. So after that night, the next (and last) week went very well. I could tell her feelings towards me have strengthened and she was subtly making plans for the future (not about a future together, but she would make me promise to do little things for her next year). It was a very good week. School then ended and for the first month, everything couldn't have gone better. She called me a lot and we talked on the phone for hours a day. We texted and instant messaged quite frequently as well when not on the phone. Although, two weeks into summer, she told me how she was still unsure and thought I shouldn't wait until I was sure. I told her I would wait until she could give me a clear answer. I was worried that if this was a hint telling me that she didn't want to start a relationship with me. She also mentioned the factors that made her unsure. So I tried testing it, by not calling that much, but sure enough she still called a lot, and acted as if she liked me (she even said that she liked me clearly twice during this month). So I thought everything was fine. The next month came and she suddenly stopped calling often, I called to see what's wrong and she told me she was thinking about it and she was still unsure but leaning more towards against having a relationship. Again I told her I would wait until she gave me a clear answer. The weeks rolled by and the calls started becoming less and less. Eventually it seemed like she didn't want to talk to me (making excuses to get off the phone). I talked to her about it and she told me that she thinks it would be better if we just stayed friends for now. She said we weren't at the same level emotionally (we both knew that I liked her more than she liked me) and she wasn't ready. She most likely got this impression by some of the things I've said to her when we talk about our relationship. How I am going all out for her, how I'm happy just hearing her voice, etc. So I ended the conversation on how it might be hard for me to get over it because I was so sure that it would work. I told her that I wasn't sure how to handle if she calls me because I would be trying to get over her. She said that she won't hold it against me if I tell her I she shouldn't call. We decided to play it by ear. The next day I was thinking. The next night I called her and told her that I "figured it out" (how to get over it, or not be sad). I told her that I wouldn't wait for her and I will be open to other people. I also told her that I made the mistake of going all out right away; I should get a life of my own, and put myself before others. I said I think this will help me get over it. I also mentioned that since I am being open, I am still open to her, so if she feels like she's sure (I said that I wasn't expecting her to be sure) then she should tell me or somehow hint at me. So I told her that she could call whenever she wanted, doesn't have to hesitate, and that she doesn't have to worry about me because I know that she doesn't like me (although she never said that she doesn't like me). I will see her in two weeks when she visits (planned a long time ago and we have mutual friends here). We are probably going to act as just friends during this visit, but is there anything I can do? I still think that there is still something between us, because of what happened in the first month apart and during the time in school. I am not planning to do much, but I am wondering if there's anything I should say. Then school starts, how should I act? I was reading other answers on this site and I think that "regaining my manlihood" seems the most fitting. I know now not to go "all out" and so I plan to tone it down heavily, but still show some signs. But most of all, I'd like to know if I indeed, still have a chance.	Wow that was long, but descriptive none the less. I'm glad you have read other questions and have gained some insight on what you have been doing wrong. I'm going to get straight to the point here. Don't ever say you will wait for her. This means that she is more valuable then you are. As a male you need to be a strong confident attractive male, do those guys wait around? This whole thing seems a little grade school. You need to be more direct. You waited way too long to make a move. Have you ever heard the phrase, "actions speak louder than words?" When she invited you over to sit on her bed to watch a movie you should have kissed her, shown her. You played into the nice needy guy role and those guys finish last. You talked too much about where you guys were romantically, that's girl stuff. You said it yourself, "we both knew that I liked her more than she liked me." It needs to be the other way around. Yes it's a game and it needs to be played or you lose. I must admit I cringed many times reading what you had said to her. But you seem to be a smart kid and you are right in knowing that you need to step up and be more of a man. I couldn't possibly give you everything you need to know in this answer but I can tell you were you can get help. Go to doubleyourdating.com and get one of David's programs. He has many programs and they will teach you how to be a man, specifically around women. Recommendations when she comes. Think about things she has done and said to you, then reverse them on her. After all, look where they left you emotionally. It's not about being mean it's about getting what you want. Finally, if you get the chance to sit on her bed again, for Gods sake kiss her! Good luck, you have what it takes you just need to keep learning, hey that's what life is all about. Lets us know how it works out for you.
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Help, I have no sex drive. At all!	I am totally confused with my girlfriend.. We have been together for 5 years.. i mean on and off. Most things changed for the better, like understanding each other and stuff. But the one things that havent change at all is our sex life, my girlfriend seems to dislike all the sexual intimacy stuff, she is not really a good kisser and would rather give a pek on a cheek rather than a lip kiss, and dislikes me touching her intimately and the worst part of it is we dont make love cause she does not agree..sex after marriage kind of excuse, is this normal??? Should i be worried?? What can i do to change things? I mean its seriously not healthy for our relationship..	Absolutely you should be worried, and this is not normal. Yes some women choose to wait until marriage, but there is a lot more going on here. I would venture to believe that this girl has had something traumatic happen to her sexually in the past. You will need to carefully probe her on this issue. You need to find out what is wrong and why. I would suggest therapy. This is all assuming you are adults and not children, I'm assuming this because of the "5 year relationship." Good luck.
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Damage Control, not good	I went to my 20 year high school reunion last year.i ran into a woman that i had known and gone to school since kindergarten.we talked and there seemed to be interest on both sides.she gave me her email address and we spoke a few times but it was me who was making the phone calls.i stopped calling and never heard from her. a year passes and i decided to call her.she appologized for not getting back to me as she was very busy at work and after too much time had passed she felt awkward to call me.she was happy to hear from me so we made plans to go out.we went to dinner and talked for hours.she told me several times that she was having a great time.i told her that i was having a great time and that we should go out again.she agreed happily.when i took her home i wanted to reach over and kiss her but i got nervous and hesitated and the moment had passed(still kicking myself about that).i had such a good time that i didnt want to ruin the night by moving to fast. now for my problem.i called her a few days later and and began making plans to go out again,but she was busy at work and said she would get back to me.she called as she was going to the movies with her daughter and said she would call later or tomorrow.i let several days go by and no call.i called her call phone and left a message and at the end of the day i called her at work.she answered and said she had gotten my message and was going to call me.she was busy at work ,she is an attorney.she had just gotten back from a vaction and was trying to ketchup on things.she said ill call you later or tomorrow.that was wednesday today is saturday and still no call. what should i do	Wow, ok first missing the kiss was a killer. A great quote my friend once said, "If you didn't get the kiss at the end of the night it was a meeting not a date." Women look for strong confident men. If she sees you hesitate and accept defeat on trying to kiss her, she will not see you as that man. Never let that happen again! Another mistake is calling too much. Never leave more than one message. If you have left her a message to call you, never call her back until the message is retuned. Remember you are a confident attractive man with other opportunities (or you should act this way). Right now she's thinking you are incredibly needy and don't have any other opportunities besides her. Right now you are in what we call "damage control." In this mode it is usually better to start with someone new than to try and fix what you have damaged. The only hope you have with her is if she calls you back, which doesn't seem likely. Don't call her anymore or try to make plans. If she is not reciprocating then she is not interested, and you should just move on. If you MUST have another crack at it, buy tickets to an event that she would like. Then tell her that you're friend can't make it (insert something believable) and that you thought of her. Good luck, and go watch the move Swingers.
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I don't want to play games	We met on a dating site early April. He has called me every week several x's a week. We have actually dated 3x - slept together 2x - geographics caused us to stay at one anothers homes - we are both successful and good looking - he is divorced 4 kids 49 yrs. old - me single 45 yrs. - both look and act younger - he is really bad about calling me the next day to thank me for our date - the last time we were together it was quite intimate - two days later I noticed he was active on the site - I told him I was surprised to find him live but did not pressure him at all - I don't want to corner the guy but somehow have to figure out if this relationship is going somewhere - his words are very charming - he calls a lot when he is with the children (as well as without) - so I went live again on line. How can a gal gain clarification of what the relationship is and if it is going somewhere without cornering a guy and making him feel like he is being given an ultimatum? And - is it possible that an educated and very successful man does not understand the importance of intimacy as measured by a woman? PS I have met his brother and nephew and niece, and our conversations are deep and seem quite sincere. I am lost and feel like just ending the relationship because I am not into games, or players - life is too short and I have too much to offer. I really really like this guy though and don't want to shut the door. What the heck do I do? Lost in a fog!	Well it is a game unfortunately, or you could say a dance. He may not be playing "games" with you. For most people it's just human nature to act in certain ways when selecting a mate. In response to your statement, "he is really bad about calling me the next day to thank me for our date." Who took who out on the date? Did he take you out? Did he ask you out and pay? It's about who did what, whoever was taken out should say thanks for the date. The other person should however, thank them in return. The responsibility of initiating a thank you lies with who was given the gift, right? Otherwise the guy will be sitting there thinking, "well I took her out, drove her around, fed her, etc, and I didn't even get a thanks. It's a two way street. But this has little to do with your problem. My advice is don't push or ask him in any way about him being online or about commitment. If you see him online or he says he's dating other people let him know you are too. Obviously in a casual non-direct manner, not "me too, I am too!" Rrrr damn games. Games were derived because many people want someone who is a challenge to obtain. If people are too needy up front they are considered easy, hence unattractive. My advice play the game, you have to work for everything in life. Most things in life that are attractive and desirable are not easy to get. Good luck to you. PS. There are time limitations on everything. If the game goes on too long he probably is playing you. In that case cut him loose fast, because life is too short.
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No sex no us, bye!	Hi there. Where to begin? I have been chatting to this girl for several months online and found we have a lot in common. She knew what I looked like from my online photos however at the time I didn't know what she looked like. A few weeks ago I was at a party and one of her friends pointed her out to me and I found her extremely attractive. We went away from this party and started chatting in person one on one and before I knew it she asked me to kiss her. So I did and ended up staying the night over at her house. There was no sex involved. We arranged to meet the next day and I was on a total high and couldn't believe my good fortune. She rang me and we arrange to meet and get some booze and go back to my house to watch a film, listen to some music and drink our booze. All went amazingly and must admit it was probably one of the best nights of my life. We ended up kissing and cuddling and the subject of sex came up. I told her I really liked her but said I didn't think having sex would be a good idea and she agreed. The next morning after staying at my place she had to get up and go to work but I arranged to meet her after work. We went down to the park sat and just talked. We decided to hire a film and go back to my place and she arranged for a taxi to come to pick her up and take her back home the same night. We missed all the film due to kissing and cuddling again. Now I think some problems have started and I hope I'm just being paranoid. We chatted online and she said she wasn't ready to commit. I thought no problem, we'll go a lot slower then we have been going so I arranged to meet her roughly a week later and go to the cinema and she agreed. On the day we planned to go to the cinema she contacted me online and said she has to go and see her grandfather. Now, I've just got this nagging feeling that she didn't want to go with me so I suggested meeting up the following week and she didn't mind what day. I suggested a particular day knowing it was her day off work and she said she was busy with a friend of hers on that day. I suggested that she contacts me when she wants to go to the cinema or just generally hangout. I'm paranoid that she doesn't like me anymore and may have just been messing with my mind. Now I see her most nights online and I find it a bit of a struggle to get a decent conversation going with her. Any suggestions?	Well from what you have told me she wants sex, and you are not giving it to her. She may be in that non committal mode which usually means wanting sex with no tie downs, hence the term casual sex. My advice, don't be needy, have a life and let her know through hints that you do. Have sex! If you're not ready then find someone else who wants to wait, but she doesn't. Now I don't know how old you are so if you're are young then just wait until you are ready. If you do decide to have sex just make sure you use protection. It a normal thing to put on a condom and girls respect you more for using one. Good luck. Oh and if you want her to go out with you again you may need to hint that you are ready for sex. You may want to say, "We should get together this Friday, I think we will have a lot more fun this time." Use the proper tonality if you are speaking with her or if texting you may want to end it with a wink ;).
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I don't want to have sex!	My friend told me I should have sex or else the whole will close and guys won't want me? But God wants us to find love and not sleep around. How can I just sleep with a men if he does not love me just for sex what can I do?	Well that can be true for some guys but not all. If this is what you strongly believe then don't have sex. Just tell the guy you are with that you won't have sex unless there is strong connection. AKA love, but you don't have to say love. If the guy is moral and respectable, which is what you want, he will wait. If it is just intercourse you are concerned with, there are other ways to satisfy a man. Such as, saying "I don't have sex unless I'm in love, but there are other things we can do." Anyway good luck and stick to your morals, don't listen to your friend.
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Too Long Distance Relationship	I consider myself a pretty grounded person, but I am struggling. I started dating again about 5 months after my divorce. In that process, I found someone who has really captured my heart and the same in return. She is in the army, was in a serious relationship both times deployed to Iraq (that did not work out), and now we have been seriously dating for about 5 months. This July, she is being deployed to Germany for about 3 years and is afraid to have a serious relationship while overseas. I find this extremely heartbreaking since just a week ago she asked me if I was happy where our relationship was heading, she was so happy we found each other, invited me to come visit her family for a weekend this summer, and wanted to include me in her travel plans when she gets leave and comes back to the states ever so often. Now all of a sudden it's off?! She says thinks about me so much and misses me so often it hurts her to be away from me. Now, up until last week, I was prepared to depart as friends, if we were meant to be, it was meant to be and hopefully our friendship would grow stronger while she was away. However, she is completely withdrawing. She told me her concerns over the phone, called back and said she didn't mean it, really wanted to be with me and find a way to make it work, and then called me back a couple days later, retracting it. "This is how she feels and nothing will change her mind, but she stills loves me very much. She's afraid she cannot give everything she wants to in this relationship while she's away and doesn't want to hurt me in the process. If she was staying local, it would be alot easier and would have no questions about perusing a relationship further." With her hectic schedule, we have only seen each other once a week, but made the time inbewteen with phone calls, email and text messages. Why couldn't this still work? As noble as she is trying to be, I am just sick and hurt. She may be wanting to spare my feelings knowing she cannot have a serious relationship with me, but something tells me she is truly scared and does not see another way around this. I have offered her to find a military couple or someone she trusts who has a successful relationship, long distance success, and that I was open to find a way to see if we could even give it a chance. I feel like this last week I let my heart open and vulnerable to another level, was given hope just to have it ripped away because she has solely made a decision about "our" relationship without consulting me and giving me credit to tell me to my face. At this time, I cannot imagine having this woman removed completely from my life. I want to find a way to remain friends. I believe her anxiety of this life change is based on fear of this relationship not working because another did not work in her past, leaving for so long from her family is tearing her up, and unable to sort through her feelings to focus on her career while having a relationship. I am afraid if I give her too long, she will truly find a way to "forget" about me to get over the pain of not being able to have a relationship with me. I cannot force her to change her mind. I know that for sure will only create resistance and allow her to validate her reasons for her choices. How can I keep her close, without scaring her off completely and hopefully gain perspective to grow and keep in touch? How can I offer her hope that a lasting friendship can be just what she needs while away and turn her around?	Something tells me this girl has been through a rough breakup already, so she most likely knows the pain of losing someone you love. I am also prior service and know the pain of being away from your loved ones for long periods. Some of the worst off guys in my platoon were the ones with girlfriends. They worry, hear rumors, and can't get them out of their mind. If this happens to men it happens worse to women, because women are based more on emotion than men. Three years is a long time and she is just trying to do what is best, not to be selfish but to avoid the trauma of a breakup overseas. The best thing you can do is express the fact that you will be there for her. Stop stressing over being girlfriend boyfriend it's not as important as you think. Right now what she needs is peace of mind that nothing can hurt her while she's away. So a plan of action is, for now, stop trying to convince her, and continue on as normal. Once she leaves for Germany keep up communication to show her that you're not going anywhere. I don't know how you guys normally talk, but you should keep sexual tension in your letters, emails, and conversations. If you keep building up your communications with fun (being sexual tension, role-playing, jokes, innuendos) your relationship will build and when she comes out to visit, things will fall back into place. Possibly better than it ever was. Good luck, that's a long time to wait, I hope it works out for you.
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No lie, women love a hot body	i have such a pitiful physique, more lacking in many aspects..i've started training aerobically then after 2 months of brisk walking, shadow boxing, push-ups, yoga...i've decided to weight train...what supplements do you take to boost muscle growth?..is it possible to increase my body size without using creatine and other supplements that bodybuilders use...how can you improve your lower body?...i know this will take long but i want to "naturally" improve my physique. can you give some advices on this? Thanks	Well if you have a pitiful physique brisk walking, shadow boxing, and yoga are not going to do anything for you. Unless you want to tone a skinny body, which is what I assume you have. Yes you can improve your build without the use of supplements, but unless you're poor, why? You get results much quicker with supplement use. What you need to do is eat a LOT of protein foods. If you want to bulk up fast make sure you eat at least 5 meals a day, you can do 3 regular high protein meals and 2 protein shakes between. You also need to hit the gym at least 4 days a week for a minimum of an hour. Skip cardio and work the full time on weights, do both machine and free weights. Remember when working out more weight and less repetitions equals more mass. Less weight and more repetitions equals more strength, you want more mass. If you don't know what you're doing in the gym get a personal trainer to help you so you don't hurt yourself. Best supplement in the world for building quick mass, Cell Tech, by MuscleTec. I gained 10 pounds in my first 7 days, granted about 3 pounds were water weight, the other 7 were not.
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You're going to have to check that bag sir	my girlfriend and i recently broke up because she felt that she couldn't commit 100% to the relationship. We had been inseparable for a year and a half during which time i never saw any warning signs. Also she waited till i got home from a month long vacation to tell me, which has made the break up harder to deal with. During my vacation though up until a week before i was to return home our conversations were plentiful and great(she would mention our future often aswell) and would usually last a bit. However a week prior to me returning home one of her close friends was surprised with divorce papers after a 4 yr marriage. At which point she seemed to be more subdued and reserved over the phone, also started going out more. So my question is did her friends sudden divorce and the fact that my ex's 2 previous relationships(one a marriage out of highschool) both of which ended badly leaving her with a certain amount of mistrust in herself and guys in general precipitate our downfall. Can i get her back?	Well they don't call it baggage for no reason. That's why people tend to avoid it, unpredictable behavior, erratic decisions, zero rationality. When people are "damaged” from past relationships you can never know what to expect. Sounds like you have a classic case of someone being scared to commit. Chances are that after her friend divorced they had a long chat over some wine about life, love, and happiness. Somewhere in that conversation you came up. Now think about it… what do you think her friend would have to say (being newly single) about continuing a relationship with you. Not to say that all girls are conniving, but sometime people do and say thing to help themselves. She was probably on the edge with you, which means finish line (marriage) or bust. No baggage, I don't think you would have an issue, however the baggage put her on the edge and I would believe that her friend tipped it her way. So your question, "can I get her back" well absolutely, but do you really want her back? That's the real question. Don't think you're out of the woods if you get her back, it's probably going to be a long uphill battle and she may flee several more times. That being said, give her some time, chances are if you two really had something special, she will realize it fast in the barroom pickup scene. However, if you can't wait and must get her back right away, you need to role reverse. It is called frame stealing, take her frame of mind and flip in your favor. She pulled away, so should you, in a lesser degree of course. Give her a call and say something like this, "yadda yadda yadda, look I know things seemed like they were going really fast, to tell you the truth it really scared me because I'm not ready to settle down. But I really do miss our friendship and think we should just leave it at that. I was just thinking the other day about that time we were talking about (insert here) and you (insert here) Well that happened today and it reminded me (not "of you" it just reminded you, don't get all mushy or you will ruin it). hey look, why don't we meet up, I need help with (insert here) and I really could use a female opinion." This may seem counter intuitive but believe me it works. Sometime drastic events call for drastic measures. When you start hanging out again things will naturally progress back to the way you guys were, but don't push. Remember the frame, you need to push a little when she tries to put the moves back on you. Good luck and keep us informed on your outcome.
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Mixed Signals (The exhausting relationship)	Hey Cherade! I have a question for ya. Ok I'm 23 and my guy is 27. We've been 'together' for almost 2 years..but I've known him longer. When we first met we were both in a 7 year relationship and I was engaged. We decided to break up with our 7 year partners and be together. I moved into his place a little more than a year ago. My problem is that I've only been in one serious (and very dysfunctional) relationship before him. I'm not sure what is considered normal, so that is why I cannot figure out what to do or think about my situation. When were were first dating, he was very into me. When I moved in, he was still very into me, after a few months, he started getting distant. I know that part is typical, but now it's like sometimes we're very very close, talking and everything feels right, and then as soon as we get close, he turns right around and becomes distant. It's really affected me. I've turned into a jealous freak. I sneak and check his phone and email when he is not around! I've checked up on him at work without him knowing, more than a few times (maybe 10) I swear I've never done things like this before. I've turned into a monster!! I've never found anything remotely questionable on his phone or email. I can't stand how I act, yet I keep doing it! Right when I think I should talk to him about maybe me moving into my own place, he comes around and things feel closer than they ever had and I wonder why I even ever thought those things before. A week goes by and the whole process starts over. My ex was very clingy and always told me he loved me 24/7, I did get tired of it sometimes. Now I feel like I'm treating him like my ex did me. I've tried to talk to him about it 100 times, but he says that he just isn't a romantic type and that he wants to tell me he loves me when he feels it and that he thinks I only tell him I love him when I want to hear it from him. I've told him that sometimes I feel SO alone like he's withholding himself from me, but he just seems to act like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. We also went through a dry spell of sex. I wanted it more and he didn't seem to be interested AT ALL for 2 months. I've NEVER had a guy wanted sex less than me. This is what started me thinking he may be cheating. Just this past 3 months things are finally a little back to normal, but I literally have to request times for us to be together intimately and then make sure he follows through. I've also tried getting a few hobbies for myself to try and distance myself from him a little too and see how that goes, but then I find that I put my hobbies aside at the first sign that he may be interested in doing something because I don't want to miss out. What is wrong with me Cherade? Help!	First of all a 27 year old male that doesn't want sex for 2 month, is a HUGE red flag. Unless he has some health issues, a 27 year old male still has a large sex drive. In reading your question, it sounds like you already know what you need to do. This case seems simple enough; just ask yourself can you put up with this for the rest of your life? Do you think you can change him? Is it worth your time to try? The first step is moving out. The only way you can spark a dramatic change in someone is with a dramatic step. In order for change to occur other variables have to change first. From what I have read you do not feel secure with this guy and it's driving you mad. What you are doing is not healthy, you need to take some time off to deeply evaluate your situation. Honestly, it sounds like he's got something else going on and he's just keeping you at bay. If you want to learn how to find out if he's lying to you, learn about NLP eye movements. Good luck and move on you're too young for this BS. – Also, most people would recommend counseling, just look at his face when you ask him to go. If you need counseling this early in a relationship you're doomed anyway. If you start another relationship and find yourself stalking again, you need to work on your own issues. However, in this case I think you may be insecure for good reason.
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Can falling for someone make you physically sick?	I've been hanging out with a girl and I'm really starting to like her. This is the first girl I've felt like this about. We've only hung out together a few times(out to lunch a few times, dinner at her place several times, out shopping together for clothes a few times, and sitting up together at her place several times late into the night talking and even doing the same thing in her car and my car talking till very late after our shopping sprees.)My question, is can all this actually make me feel sick in a physcial sense? As examples, I've noticed that I've been thinking about her a lot lately and at the same time my appetite seems to have lessened (for food) and I'm not as intense as I once felt in the gym working out.	Yes, this does happen to people. The most likely emotion that is affecting you is anxiety. I would need to know more about your situation to give a deep analysis. However, it's typical to feel anxiety when you start to really like/love a girl. All kinds of triggers cause this anxiety, such as, fear of loss, fear of commitment, fear of failure. But, don't worry about it, it will pass. The closer you two get the more comfortable you will get, and comfort kills anxiety.
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I'm needy, take me back!	Is there any way to rebuild a relationship after breaking up. She broke it off because it got too serious. not sexually, but we spent so much time together. Im sure it is done but were still friends. I should have went to this site first. Any advice.	It's best to move on, the problem here is you are now in, "damage control." It's a lot easier to start a new relationship then to try an undo the damage. But, if you really want to try you need to prove to her that you are not going to be the needy guy you once were. You can accomplish this by being busy a lot. Don't hang out with her (as friends) for awhile. Then call her up and express how busy you are, and how busy you are going to be in the next couple of month, but that you would like to take her out. You have to portray yourself as a scarce resource, which say non-needy/non-clingy. If you start to get her back in the girlfriend arena, you should state that you guys should slow down! Tell her you don't have the time for a full blown commitment. This is counter-intuitive, but remember, this is what she wants. So if you want to be with her you have to want it too, or, as I suggested, move on.
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I need time to think, I mean choose	My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, 2 months ago, my dad was in the hospital and passed away, at the same time his mom also was in another hospital and passed away. while he was taking care of his mom in the hospital, he met this nurse, and he apparently told her how lonely he was feeling, so since then everytime he went to visit his mom, they managed to spend time together, they exchanged cell numbers. On the day my dad passed away, he called me and told me about this girl and that because I could not be there for him, and she was, he now liked her and was interested in her. I have been through a lot with him, I have been with him when he was depressed and through his various problems I have always been there for him, but for those 2 months that I was going through my dad's bad health and death, he accused me of not spending time in his time of need. So now he says that he's confused and needs time to think of what he wants, if he wants me or her or none of us. I love him and I know he also loves me, when I told him I will leave him so he has all the time he needs, he called me and cried like a baby and wants to be my friend. I'm so confused and sad and heartbroken. Please help me gain my sanity and deal with my own time to think. Sincerely, Confused	I'm sorry to hear about your loss, and even more sorry to hear about your jackass of a boyfriend. I think the word love is thrown around a bit loosely these days. As a male, and as a male that knows what love is, I'm going to tell you that when you truly love someone the thought of hurting them is painful. The though of cheating on them is unthinkable. The fact that this guy strayed from you in your time of need and accused you of being at fault is unforgivable. Now I don't know every detail of your story and how the whole incident played out, but from what I read, this is not a person you should want back in your life. However, if you make the conscious decision that you want to get him back, this is what you need to do. First of all, DON'T GIVE HIM TIME OR OPTIONS. If he can keep dragging you along, until he figures out who he wants, he will. You are the prize he should be fighting for you, he fucked up not you. If anything tell him that he should go be with the nurse and that you are going to start dating other people. It's counter intuitive but it works. It says, I don't need you, I can easily replace you, I'm more valuable than you. What this does is increases your value and attraction through scarcity and his own fear. But don't only tell him this DO IT. This guy seems like a real loser, and if you're looking long term you should move on.
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NOTICE!	My god your a self loving protentiouse git.	Keep sending these, as soon as I get a good collection I will post them. Then next to each one I will post 10 letters of praise. It hurts sometimes to hear the real social dynamics that occur between a male and a female. People don't want to accept the fact that these games are being played. But, they are not games they are reality and they go all the way back to primitive times. So if you're close-minded, refuse to change, and are willing to settle with whatever you can get. Join the ranks of this intelligent comment I received. After all I'm sure they don't have a problem, being here and all.
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commitment issues	A woman that i just started dating but have known for quite some time whom by the way is older than I, which is 27, has told me that she likes me alot and wants to be with me unconditionally but is not opposed to seeing other people. Is that a total contradiction or is she afraid of commitment? I am devoting myself to her totally without seeing other people, why cant she?	I don't know all of the details but there are three reasons why she does not want to commit to you. One, is that she truly wants to be free right now. Two, she likes you but she unsure if you are "the one." Three, she is using you as a security blanket in case it doesn't "work out" for her. You can do two things here. One is to tell her straight out that you are only interested in a monogamous relationship, and that there is just too many opportunities for you to settle for less. Remember to be indifferent in her decision. By demonstrating lack of reaction and by stating that you have "other opportunities" amplifies your attraction. She may change her mind on this alone. You need to demonstrate value to show her you are worth seeing exclusively. Your other option is to see other people too. Often times there is a reason why things work out the way they do. But, if she is seeing other people you better too! She can take advantage of the situation if she is "having her cake and eating it too," and you're not.
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Never wait around	What's up Cherade! This is a question that I sort of know the answer to but I would like to have the final answer. Recently, I've been talking to this young lady for about a couple of months now (since November of 05). It's sort of a long distance type situation b/c we are both in the same state but she attends a university that is about an hour and some change away from where I live. She's 22, in college and works full time 4-5 days a week. We went out on a date this past December and it turned out really well. Our contacts have calling each other on a weekly basis and corresponded by email on a daily basis. Well, for about 2 weeks now she neither returned my calls nor my emails. And lately, we've been text messaging each other on our cells (which is a sign to me). A few weeks ago I told her that I liked her but I'm guessing that saying this might have not been a wise decision b/c she's been acting sort of strange to me. Now, you don't have to be a wiz to know that the interest might not be there anymore. She explained that about a year ago she was involved in a 3 year relationship with a guy that cheated on her. That incident REALLY depressed her to a point where she also explained that she won't be able to trust men anymore, which I know that is not true. If the "right guy" came around, she would be willing to take that chance. And that is the reason why she stays "busy" all the time b/c that enables her to take her mind off of the pain she felt. For your information, she and I have had history in the past b/c we use to date in college when I was a junior/senior there. So we do know a little bit about each other. Today, I asked her if she has lost interest in me. She said "No but she's not looking for a relationship". Again, you don't have to be smart to know that that probably means that she doesn't want to have a relationship with me. LOL My questions are should I just forget about her and weigh out my "options". Or keep continuing to stick around and see what develops? How long should I wait to see if she will return my calls? Rest assure that I am not seeking a relationship either but I do like her and would like to have a good friend that I can date and who knows what it will develope into. She doesn't have to call me or email everyday but I would like to know if she's Ok or not. Does this sound "sissy" like to you? *laughing* Or am I seeking something more deep down inside myself that will never flourish?	Well you do understand a lot of what's going on that's good. Look's like she is using her damaged past as an excuse. I think the real fact of the matter is that she is having fun in college and doesn't want a commitment, very common. One mistake you made is telling her that you liked her when she was withdrawing from you. You just handed her all the power and that lowers your value as a male. If you want to know more about this read the other questions. My advice to you is date other people, she is not holding out for you. Don't hide it from her ether; tell her that you are seeing other people. Right now you are just another needy guy that wants something from her. She is overwhelmed with this type of behavior in college. You need to be the guy that's social, independent and popular. Those guys are the ones girls like, and those guys to wait around for girls to call. So in answer to you questions "how long should I wait," don't wait. "Should I just forget about her and weigh out my options," no and yes. Always weigh your options, but you don't have to forget her. Quit calling and emailing for awhile because is making her uncomfortable. Wait a few weeks and then email/call with something quick and sweet. Say something like, "Hey how are you? Wow! It's been a long time, been super busy." Show her you have a life and don't need her. Good luck and let us know what happens down the road. Read the other questions they will help you.
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Women need help too	I’ve been in this relationship for ten tears and it took a change after we moved in together for about a year. He used to not want to be without me now it seems it doesn’t matter to him. I sacrificed a lot to be in this relationship now he seems to be going distant always finding somewhere to go. Do you think it’s someone else?	I would need more info to give you an answer on whether I think he is cheating. However, you do need to express yourself to him and don't be "wish washy" about it, be firm. First you need to decide exactly what you want from him to be truly happy in life. Then you need to sit down and see if he's will to adjust. If he's not willing then you should separate. If you really want to find out if he is cheating there are a million clues to give that away. Go search Google for "signs of a cheater" and I'm sure you will not have a problem finding some help. Also read the prior questions. There are aimed at men but apply to all.
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Unattractive Traits	hi Cherade after 18months of dating i've been having crazy problems with my girlfriend. it started with her growing cold to me not calling me as much as she used to which used to be a lot and our conversation generally drying up. after days of pressure from me as to what was up she finally opened up saying she was going through a difficult phase where she was considering what she wanted to do as regards our relationship because she wasn't sure anymore. When I asked if she still loved me she said she wasn't sure anymore. and that she didn't know why. after more prodding she said she had been going through lots of pressure cos i'm the jealous type and am always suspicious thus putting her in an uncomfortable position whenever she has to relate with the opposite sex in front of me. she said she needed time to think but I loved her too much to give her much room so I called her a lot and tried to see her. after a while she decided to give it another shot but after a week it's not been the same. she's less giving and doesn't respond to me emotionally as well as physically which is crazy cos we could never get enough of each other. am I being impatient or is she passed loving me the way she used to	I'm just going to tell you how it is; you need to work on yourself. This whole problem solely rests on you. Being jealous and needy are the most unattractive traits for a male. You need to get this dealt with before you can fix anything with your girl. She doesn't need to change you do. I would recommend you get the audio cd's or book from David DeAngelo. Any of his material will help you. He teaches you how to be a strong confident male, the male women want. You also need to read all the prior questions. They deal a lot with being needy. Once you fix yourself and have done what I have suggested. You will not be asking anyone but yourself on what you need to do. Good luck, and let us know how it turns out.
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The College Fallout	I am a college student and met a girl who lives in my dorm. We met at the beginning of semester one night at a social gathering and, even though I didn't pay much attention to her, she left me her number. Well she was attractive and seemed nice so I decided to give her a call. We ended up getting along well and hung out or talked almost every night for about a month. I felt that we really connected. Over this time I took her out on a couple of dates and they seemed to go well. She seemed to like me, but at the same time she was giving me mixed signals. I decided to take it slow with her. We pretty much kept things at a friendship level, except we spent some nights cuddling, went on dates, and just seemed closer than friends. In all of this time I never really made any moves on her and we never even kissed. Eventually I realized that I was falling for her and I had to find out if she felt the same way. One night I decided to tell her how I felt about her and see if she was ready to take it to the next level. She said that she liked me but that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She had just gotten out of a relationship before school started and didn't have the committment for one. She is also very focused in school and feels it would disturb it. I of course was very dissappointed but there seemed to be hope. She seemed like remaining friends was important to her, me as well, and she said that if she decided she was ready I would be the first person she would go to. I also asked her clearly if she just wanted to be friends then, and she said that she thought we were already kind of more than friends and dating. When she left that night she wanted me to call her the next day. The next day came and she didn't even give me a chance to call her, she called me. The next week or so seemed to go by very well and I thought our friendship was getting even better. I tried to keep things like they were before our talk so I continued to call her like normal and see if she wanted to hang out. She started not wanting to come over though. She always had some work to do it seemed. After about 2 weeks of this I was really starting to get confused. Looking back in hindsight I made a mistake, as I was calling her too much. I was calling almost every day and she started to seem irritated. After about 3 or so weeks of this (us not getting together once) I ran into her at breakfast. She seemed very cold. I tried being friendly and make small talk but she got angry. She went off on me and said that a friend of ours told her I was angry at her for not hanging out with me any more(I did not tell her this). Apparantly she was under the impression that I was trying to act like a boyfriend and she said it was annoying. Later that day she called and appologized. I appologized for calling her too much as well. I said that I just wanted to keep things friends and wasn't trying to force her into anything. I also got the things about what our friend said cleared up. She said that she just wanted her space right now and I told her I would give it to her. Well it has been about a month now since I last talked to her. It doesn't bother me so much that she needs space as I know she has been busy with finals and has been homesick, but I can't help but think that our friendship has gone sour. Everytime that I run into her she seems uncomfortable and doesn't stay to talk. A couple times lately that we have passed each other on the way to and from class she has completely ignored me or shot me a cold glance. One time she did this a few days after she went off on me and I asked if she was mad at me. She said that she wasn't. Basically I am very confused with this situation. I feel things have soured for a stupid reason and that things shouldn't be this way. I realize that I probably came across as kind of needy at one point, but I appologized and have fixed that, as I haven't called her for a month. I feel that she confused me by saying we were more than friends and that she liked me. I'm not sure why she just stopped talking to me and started acting cold toward me, but I want to fix it. I still really like this girl and feel that we would be good together. If she's not ready for a relationship, that's fine, but I really don't want our friendship to deteriorate like it has. I want things to be cool between us again. So I am wondering what my next move should be. What do you think of this situation? Lately I have been giving it time and hoping that time will change things, but I'm not sure. I should also say that we just went home for winter break and won't be back in about 3 weeks. As I said before she has been homesick, so I'm not sure if seeing her family will possibly change things. Plus when we come back classes will just be starting up so we will not be as busy for a while. What should I do?	Well I'm glad that you are able to realize the mistakes you made, and they were mistakes. The reality of this situation is that the relationship really has gone sour and time is not going to make it any better, in fact it may make it even worse. After your needy display, you have very few options to recover. The best way would be to restore your value as a male. This would be done by getting another girl and being seen with her, even if she is just a friend. The more girls you are seen with the better. As much as you may think this would hurt your relationship with her, you would be wrong. Besides you don't have a relationship with her now anyway. When she sees you with another girl it's going to tell her all the right things. Such as, he's able to get other girls, he doesn't need me, he's popular/in demand, etc. This will help improve your bad image. Right now she just views you as another needy guy that doesn't have a backbone. Once you have restored some of your value, you should make a peace offering. Find a cleaver way to leave her a gift, something cute and funny, and leave her a little note. Don't make the note sappy or sentimental. Just try to make her laugh and don't say call me or I'll call you, don't even mention getting in touch. If this doesn't work then stop wasting your time. You're in College there are girls everywhere, don't get "Oneitis" you're too young.
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My Moral Dilemma	Hi, found your site while trying to sort out my dilemma. I have been living with my girlfriend for about 3 years now & I think I still love her but not sure. All she does is sit around the house watching tv, she hardly ever helps with the housework ( how sad do I sound? )& when she gets paid I always have to ask for her share of the bills ( & no, I don't earn loads more than her ). The thing is I find myself resenting her laziness & her moods when it comes to paying her way. It recently has got worse, I used to work with a beautiful woman who lives with her boyfriend & has a young daughter - I got made redundant & didn't see her for a while. Now she works with me again at a different company & I see her all the time, I lose interest in being at work when she's not there & can't stop thinking about her. Every love song I hear makes me think of her & it's driving me mad. She has had problems with her boyfriend recently & nearly moved out, I don't want to cause problems as she has a child to think about but every time I'm talking to her I want to tell her how I feel about her. She has started flirting with me, she's never done this before despite sharing confidences regularly, but she always tries to make sure noone else can see her doing this. Should I tell her I have feelings for her or keep quiet & go insane trying to keep it to myself. I have never been unfaithful before in my life ( I'm in my mid 30's )& have never wanted to be, but if there was any indication that the woman at work wanted to be more than friends I know it would be more temptation than I could handle.....help!	I think you know deep down what you need to do, you spell it out in your question. It's really hard for people to change how they really are, and it sounds like you found out who your girlfriend really is. You need to ask yourself if it's worth salvaging, only you can answer that. As I see it, you should get out of this relationship, or at least put a big scare into her to change. Chances are even if you scare her into conforming, it will only be temporary. What you need to do is explore what you are passionate about. Tell this other girl how you feel, but don't overdue it like you're super needy. Keep it simple like, " I feel like there is some really good chemistry between us, and I think we owe it to each other to explore it further. How about we meet up for a cup of coffee/drink after work." (Be forewarned that dating in the workplace is not good advice, unless you don't care about quitting) If she accepts your invitation you need to take the next step, a split with your girlfriend, this needs to be done regardless. You need to move out or have her move out. The only thing that could spark enough energy to make her change is this step, and, as I stated before, even this will most likely not make her truly change. Even if you don't date the girl at work, you owe it to yourself to find someone that you're going to be happy with in the long run. Good luck.
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The Other Guy	I have been with this girl for about three years she is currently a senior in a college and I am a freshmen. About a month ago she wanted to take a break from our relationship because she felt she needed a break and wanted time to herself. We still talked and hung out but we were not together. After about a month I found out she was interested in another guy. I confronted her about this and she said she was sorry and didn't expect this to happen. She tells me she wants to be with me in the end but does not know what she wants right now. I told her I don't think I can wait around for her. She basically is in a situation where she has to choose between me and someone else. She tells me she loves me still and does not feel the same toward this other guy as she does to me but she says she wants to be sure we are right and she doesn't want to ever have to think what if. But we still hang out and act like we are still together. Last weekend she stayed at my place we had sex and just had a great time and it seemed like everything was fine but then the next morning she felt guilty for staying and was upset that she did that while she is talking to someone. Then she stayed at his place the next day and later apologized for it. I truly feel that she is confused and isn't doing it to play games but I am not sure what to do. How can I make her realize she should be with me or is she even worth it? I don't think it'll ever be the same. What should I do?	Well, first of all read the 2 prior questions I answered, this should give you some insight. In answer to your question, what you should do depends on what you are looking for. If you're looking for a real relationship move on, do not wait for her. You should have never said, "I don't think I can wait around." What you should have said is, "I'm not going to wait around." If you are just looking for some fun and nothing serious then do this; keep having fun with her, whenever she brings up her other boy toy change the subject immediately. Don't let it bother you what so ever (at least make it appear that way). If you want her to come around and be monogamous, you need to regain your power and attraction. Obviously she sees a quality in each of you that she likes. From what I gather, she probably loves you, but the other guy is hot and/or good in bed. You can win her back but you need to change your strategy. Right now you're the guy that's going to wait for her, and she's taking full advantage. I'm not going any further on this because it's covered in the previous questions, read up. As always, never accept second class behavior, it's your reality, and you are the prize.
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Presenting a Challenge	You guys answered my question yesterday under subject (Relationship Gone Wrong.) I am going to use your advice. She called me this morning on her way to work and wants me to hang out with her all weekend doing christmas stuff. I said I would let her know later. I am thinking that maybe I should go to the bars with the buddies tonight, and maybe see her tomorrow or not at all this weekend. What do you guys think? And if I do go out, should I tell her what I am doing instead of coming to her house? I would greatly appreciate your advice. The women that I am not really into never leave me alone. I always screw up with the ones that I really like unfortunately.	I thought this would be important for our readers to post a follow-up to "Relationship Gone Wrong" below. Your ending comment is, "The women that I am not really into never leave me alone. I always screw up with the ones that I really like unfortunately." Sit back and think about this and why it happens. Women what a challenge in a man! Its human nature to want something you can't have. Once you know you can attain something easily, the thrill is gone. Now, take this in reference to dating. The women that you are not interested in won't leave you alone because you are not paying them any attention, thus presenting them a challenge. You are turning the table on yourself here. The girls you are interested are doing the same thing to you, most likely because you are acting too needy. Meaning, calling too much, always being available, over-affectionate, etc. For this weekend, what you should do is tell her that it is going to be a busy weekend for you and that MAYBE we could get together late Sunday. Tell her you will give her a call then and let her know. Lastly, don't put all your eggs in one basket, especially a flaky one. Go out with the guys and meet some new women and evaluate whether she is even worth the trouble.
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